Wednesday, 5 July 2017

My Brain

My brain can do fucking cartwheels.
My brain is the star performer at a circus
       or a freak show.
My brain could be balancing twelve plates on its nose,
       while standing on a beach ball and
       while singing Celine Dion and
       while juggling and
       while belly dancing and
       still manage to tell me what a fucking failure
                                                               waste of oxygen
                                                               toxic person I am.

My brain is marvelous.
My brain is capable of twisting every thought
       beyond recognition.
My brain can take the most explicit compliment given to me and
       break it apart.
       Distort it.
       Bruise it.
       Shatter it.
       Annihilate it

My brain is so strong and confident.
My brain knows exactly what it needs to think about myself and
       none of it is kind.
My brain is my most powerful weapon
       against myself.
       And boy, do I use it.
                                        rejecte- I could go on.

My brain wants me to.
My brain is telling me all the ways that list is incomplete.
       Even this, I can't do right.
My brain has worn down the paths of my thoughts so well
       I literally can't conceive
       of a single
       positive trait
My brain is doing fucking cartwheels.

Tuesday, 4 July 2017

I have nothing left to give. I have given it all. I have been wrung out and beaten and am dry and empty and cracked. A black void seeps out of me. I feel like poison.

Monday, 3 July 2017


A poem.



The other day at my weekly family dinner, a family friend brought up an event in my city that occurred a few weeks ago, and the surrounding controversy.

A local music institution, the uni bar, was closing its doors forever and having a huge closing night show, being organised by a local music event company. In the lead up to the show, the bands for the night were announced and it was going to be this huge thing, with lots of local bands as well as some (one) bigger name.

At one point, someone asked the promoter why there were literally no female or non-binary musicians playing, either as solo acts, as part of bands, or entire bands (if I recall correctly). The promoter responded with a typical terrible "but I'm organising it and this is the music I want to listen to and also here's an offensive and ignorant comment about non-binary people" response and it was major news.

So at this lovely dinner, I was the only one of eight people who thought that the line-up was an issue. Some had heard this new ~local celebrity~ on the radio and his comments hadn't been as offensive as those he made initially and were confused by the fuss. I explained his initial comment re: NB people and most of the table conceded that was uncool (not that I think most of my family are familiar with non-binary as a concept for gender) but still thought the line-up was fine.

I flat out refused to engage in this debate, which was a good move, because even the fact that a refused to debate was taken as an opportunity to illustrate to me all the many ways I was wrong. And while it's always fun to be the one person being picked on among a group of eight, I continued to shut the conversation down and refuse to be part of it.

Because here's the part that they wouldn't understand: If you constantly see yourself represented, in diverse roles and professions and films and music and media, of course representation isn't something you would care about. You're everywhere. Hell, I'm plenty of places, as a white cis able-bodied person. Even as a white cis able-bodied woman I'm more places than any other women who are not white or cis-gendered or able-bodied.

So you think the douchey promoter guy should have been able to just pick his boys club of bands for the night and it doesn't matter? Sure it doesn't matter to you, because you're there. You're visible. You see yourself everywhere. You don't care that there's no chicks there, because it's about the music, man. Why do you gotta make everything about gender? Isn't it worse if he hires a bunch of lady musicians PURELY because they're women? Isn't that the real sexism, choosing people just because they're women????

No. It's not. For many reasons, it's very not.

It's recognising that representation is important, even if it means you're represented less.

Sunday, 2 July 2017

Blogging every day in July except the first because that's for dummies maybe?

I need to write more, and I want to write more, and I have been writing more, but only in small notebooks and only a page or two.

And as noted in the title, I understand it's kind of ruined already because I am starting a day late, but 'kind of ruined' works for me as a person so it should work for this thing, surely. SURELY.

Here's the thing though.

In my notebooks, I can write whatever I want, but on this thing, it's like, potentially public. I can either write real things (which are not nice cheery things) that I mostly don't want people to know about probably, and then I get to spend a whole month writing things that no one will see because I won't share it with anyone, so no one will know there are things here.

Or I can write other things. I can write things that are real but are not authentic, if that makes sense? They're things I really think but they're not what I want to write about.

I guess we'll see.

I do have some plans. I already have some verrrrry initial drafts of things. Which is good because usually when I do this, it results in me spending half an hour up at 11:30pm writing four lines of garbage to fulfill an arbitrary goal I've set myself and becomes more about writing to a quota than for any deeper, existential purpose.

Because this is very deep and existential.

Here is a truth: I feel numb. I feel disconnected. I feel like I am a puppet or wind up doll or robot. But none of those are quite right.

I feel like a human-shaped sack of sand, where the weight of moving any part of my body requires almost more strength than I have. I feel like it's taking all my self control to move my limbs in the way I want them to move to resemble a human being, or to move them at all. I feel like my movements look like they're being controlled by a remote from like, a real decent distance, which is probably reflective of the fact that I feel like I am controlling them from a real decent distance. I feel like the part of me that's meant to feel anything deeply and persistently has been locked away, and I can't get to it if I tried. This is a look of sentences starting with "I feel..." for someone who feels nothing.

Mostly, I feel like there's a human part left in me, deep deep down, and it's curled up tightly, in the fetal position, around the part of me that is meant to feel, and occasionally the human part looks up to see if it's safe to stand up and let go, to see if there's any sunlight or breeze, eyes hoping, and it sees nothing. Darkness and clouds. And every time it looks up, there's a little less hope there, and the look is a little bit quicker, and they come a little less frequently, and it holds on a little tighter.

There's a line in It's Quiet Uptown, from Hamilton: The moments when you're in so deep it feels easier to just swim down.

And it does. I can feel myself slipping further away. I can feel myself disconnecting more and more. Sinking.

Sometimes I can actually sense all the things I want or need to feel, like a wave cresting over me. Sometimes I can literally feel the weight on my skin like a physical presence. Pressing against me or swirling around me or grabbing me sharply. And it's too much. I sense it there, and I retreat, because it's too much. I've gotten so good at retreating, and the wave has kept growing, that I'm worried if I let it wash over me, it will crush me. It'll tear me apart and break me and suffocate me.


Let's see how long this stays up for, shall we?

Friday, 3 October 2014

Hey, two days running! That's ...something.

Today I sorted all my travel to Africa. Have I told you I'm going to Africa? I'm going to Africa. And let me just say that unless your travel agent IS my travel agent, my travel agent is better than yours.

Here's the deal.
Fly out of the CBR on New Years' Day, stop in Perth, change planes, fly Perth to Johannesburg, then J'burg to Lilongwe, the capital of Malawi where I'll be doing the community project work and stuff for two weeks.
Then, back down to J'burg for one night before flying up to Livingstone, the capital of Zambia, where I start my 9 day tour which includes seeing Victoria Falls, a game drive in Chobe National Park, a night in the Okavango Delta, a night sleeping under baobab trees, and more! The tour ends in Namibia where I fly down to Cape Town, where I'm HOPING I will get to CAGE DIVE WITH SHARKS OMG. And maybe some other stuff.
THEN I fly from Cape Town to Dubai, spending two nights there, before catching a flight to Perth for a couple of days to see ONE LOVELY PERSON and then home.

This is a boring braggy post but I am VERY EXCITED. YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW EXCITED.

Thursday, 2 October 2014

Blogtober? Blogtober.

It's happening. Maybe.

I mean, not yesterday, obviously. Although... I could always backdate this post to yesterday... Hmm...
Nope nope nope, I am embracing my failings.

But yeah, we're giving this a go. Expect to see:
Short weird posts I make as I remember to post just before bed!
Maybe some well-thought out amusing things!
Feminism probably! Because that's always a safe bet.
Missed days certainly!
Lists! (see this post right now)
Reviews maybe!

Ah well, let's see how this goes.
Tune in tomorrow for a something!

Sunday, 4 May 2014

Looking Up


Okay, so this is all over Facebook at the moment:
Interestingly, I haven't seen it on any other social media, (twitter, tumblr, whatever) which I think speaks to the audience its engaging.
Not that there's anything wrong with people who only use Facebook for social media, but I think it shows that what this video is underestimating is not something that's seen by the bulk of people who use Facebook exclusively as their social media service.
So, onto what really super pisses me off about this video.
But first, I guess, I want to say that I get why people see the value in it. I get the message that sometimes we can miss things that are going on because we're online. I think the message that you'll miss your daughter growing up is incredibly, unrealistically extreme, but I get it. I do. People are starting to experience the world less through going outside and more through a screen. Whatever whatever, kids don't go outside, whatever, I get it.

But that fucking self-righteous, ongoing, implicit throughout, and explicit at the end, idea that offline life is the 'real' life and online life is worse and a waste and not real?
(i.e. "Live life the real way", "One real connection", "How you're glad you didn't waste [your life] looking down at some invention", "don't waste your life getting caught in the net".)
Shut the actual fuck up.
Do you know what you're doing, guy? You're calling mine, and many people's, online experiences fake, a waste, and saying it makes us idiots.
Do you know why you should shut the fuck up, guy?
Because some of my most valuable, meaningful, and personal important relationships are based entirely, or almost entirely, online.

I don't know you. I don't know where you go online. But the online communities I am lucky enough to have found and consider myself a part of are some of the most important in my life and have contributed to making me a better, kinder, more thoughtful, reflective and considerate person than I would be without them.
I have friends I have never met who will reach out to me whenever they feel or can see that I'm struggling, with no prompting.
Some of the best things I have ever done in real life have been based ENTIRELY off these communities which, without social media, wouldn't exist.
I have been changed, transformed, made who I am (which is not a bad or fake person, and I like to think not an idiot) by "this media we call social" which you claim to be anything but social.

Your discussing social media as if it completely negates real world experience is ridiculous. I spend a LOT of time online. A lot. I don't know if you've got that yet by my passion for social media and online communities. But if you haven't. It's a lot. You know what else I and everyone I know online has? Offline friends. Families. Offline lives.
Do you know what you're doing, aside from making an illogical conclusion that just because I like social media, that will somehow mean I'll be tweeting while I propose/am proposed to? Aside from your obvious attempts to tugs emotional strings with absurd exaggerations about how using social media will make you miss enjoying the birth of your child???
You're negating my experience and the experiences of many. You're erasing it as invalid, insincere, and artificial. You're kinda implying that the people I know who have met through online communities (not online dating, or anything - actual communities and friendships online) and have entered into relationships and got married are not as good or real as asking a random girl on the street for directions, and that the sharing, kind friendships I've formed are fake.
The community, companionship and sense of inclusion I feel are not, as you say, a DELUSION. I am part of communities which are some of the most progressive, inclusive, reflective, kind, sincere and open that I've ever encountered and all of those, EVERY ONE OF THEM, is an online community.

And every time your stupid fucking video gets shared on my Facebook, you are sending me the message that the friends and support networks and wonderful communities I have online are a waste of my time, are preventing me from fully living a "real" life (whatever the hell that means) and are impeding my ability to make or keep offline relationships. To which I say fuuuuuuuuck you.
Can you create, for me, accessible offline communities which openly discuss how to manage sexual assault within that community (as many online communities are doing RIGHT NOW, and don't even say something about the existence of sexual assault in online communities as evidence for their badness - I know you're not that silly) and which discuss privilege and oppression and and feminism AS WELL AS sharing gifs from Supernatural? Because I sure doubt it.
Do those things sound fake to you? Do those things sound like a waste of time? Does learning more about my privilege and how to acknowledge it and how to sensitively and appropriately interact with those people over whom I have privilege sound like a waste?
Does being exposed to hugely diverse peoples, communities and opinions, which I would never be able to experience offline and which result in giving me a better, broader understanding of how the world works and how complex people are, sound like a waste?

Maybe you have shitty online communities, dude, but let me tell you, you're in the wrong place on the internet if that's the case. So if you could not insult and degrade and invalidate how I choose to spend my time, making myself a better person, that'd be great.

Also! If you shared this on Facebook, I obviously don't hold this against you or feel upset that you shared it. I understand that my experiences are not really the norm for most people I know, and that maybe this video really resonated with you for person reasons. That's cool. It's just very hurtful to see my friendships and my communities disregarded. Especially because it's not an uncommon thing for people who haven't been exposed to a lot of online communities to do.

This rant is not even to mention the not-so-subtle shaming of parents who entertain their kids with iPads and other modern tech, the ridiculous refusal to adapt to what is, I'm sorry (not really), going to become a more and more integral part of life, and the lack of understanding over the facilitation of authentic experiences for people who struggle with offline interaction (social phobias/anxiety/etc).
You know what? Do it, take your self offline. I sure don't want you here.

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Good news in a tornado of stress!

First off, congratulations to me! This month, despite not doing very well at BEDA (I have been doing uni work almost non-stop, it's great...) I reached a new recall for total views in a month! And probably only half of those were me! So thank you, one and all. I mean, it doesn't mean a lot to you, but I've been trying to beat my record I set like, 3 years ago and now I have :)

Second! And kind of related! Yesterday (I think) I received an e-mail telling me I've been selected as 1 of 101 local humans! This is an exciting tourism uh, thing (I am up on the lingo) in order to make Canberrans and their family and friends from interstate more aware about the cool things Canberra has. They've selected 101 humans (of which I am one - I managed to trick them into believing I'm human) who are 'social media savvy' (a term I've been longing for someone that isn't me to apply to me for ever) and have a 'flair for telling stories', and is part of the broader Human Brochure program thing (link: this is the link) which is helping to showcase Canberra as a cool place to go. These 101 humans get to experience after hours events with local and interstate friends and family, to explore all that Canberra has to offer. I sound like I'm selling this to you. I'm not. You can't be in it. Ha! It's just me. (And 100 other people). But I'm pretty excited!

Reasons why I'm excited:

  • Getting to do something fun after hours - I put my name down for the Family Fun category, so I can do something with my step-brothers and interstate family, which will also be awesome
  • They literally judged entrants' social media presence and credentials. Like, this is apparently me according to Visit Canberra director Ian Hill: "We're really looking for people who have a sense of passion about Canberra, who like to share Canberra, who are connected on social media networks and meaningfully connected. So they do actually write things of substance and are influential within their own circle." I am influential in my own circle!! WHAT! Should I warn my circle? Blog circle, consider this your warning, I am probably influencing you. (From here
  • We get to attend events to help us learn more about developing engaging social media and to show us more about Canberra and weeeeee! Ahhhh! We get upskilled! Upskilling! In getting to do fun stuff!
  • I have excused to do social media. I love social media. Like, I don't know if you know this but I love social media. It is very important to me and now I have an excuse to do it. This is the literal best. 
  • I won something! By having skill! At social media! And now I get to do fun stuff! For FREE! Wow.
Anyway, I better stop being so gosh darn influencing and passionate and writing things of such substance and being all connected and go finish my assignment. Aw, that's not nearly as fun :(

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Have I become a zombie? A student's lament.

eughhhhuhgg ghghhhggghuuuuuueeeeeeeeghhhhheeehggghhhh braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnsssssss i neeeeeeeddddd braiiiiiiiiiinnnnnsssss (to do this assignment)

And yes, my Google search history now includes "zombie noises".

Monday, 21 April 2014

Wow, did I need this today.

So now I'll share it.
You should click this: (click me, please, hello)
You're welcome.

Yes, I'm writing an assignment so this is all you get. But let's be honest, that link is better than anything I could write anyway.